Laugh It Out

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car
when he spotted a  famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing
off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a
look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hello Doctor! Please come
over here for a minute.”
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, “So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts of the engine,  take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will
work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me
is doing basically the same work?”
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic…..

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“Try to do it when the engine is running”.

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A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
 

Dear Dad,
 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree?
 

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.
 

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
 

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
 

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters “PTO”.
 
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
 

PS:
 
Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbour’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
 

I love you!
 
Your loving daughter,
Rosie

Santa Singh, furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.
 
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.
 
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. Would you believe…………………………………..

Till this day, Santa has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!! !

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private
club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches
rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
“Hello?”
“Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!!
Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.00.”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”
“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave
me a really good price… and since we need to trade-in the BMW that we
bought last year…”

“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000…”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! But before we hang up, something else…”
“What?”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account
and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house
we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!!
Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area,
beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000 - a magnificent price…and I see that we have that
much in the bank to cover…”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye…I do too…”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present:
“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

We know that every country, including the US and India, has its share of corrupt politicians. But what is the exact difference in their style of operations?

An Indian minister went to the US to explore just this question.
During his trip, he was invited to a Senator’s home for dinner. The minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the expensive furnishings. He asked the senator, “How can you afford all this on a meager senator’s salary?”
The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
“Can you see the river?”
“Yes”
“Can you see the bridge over it?”
“Of course”, said the minister.
“10 percent”, said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him.
When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc, etc.
“How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees?” he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
“See the river over there?”
“Sure”, cried the senator.
“Can you see the bridge over it?”
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said
“No, I don’t see any bridge.”
“100 percent”, said the minister!!

An Irishman called Paddy was drinking at the pub all night.

It was pretty late and the bartender came up to him to tell him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he’d just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.
So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.
Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” He asked as he put on an innocent look.

“They called, you left your wheelchair at the pub again.”

One dark night outside a small town outside of New York, a fire abruptly started inside the local chemical plant and immediately engulfed the plant in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed straight to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved!! I will give $50,000 to the fire department who retrieves them intact.” But the roaring flames held the firefighters back. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted aloud that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into view. It was the nearby Norwegian township volunteer fire brigade composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 60. To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine roared right past all the more modern sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old Norwegian firefighters jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on every side. Within a short time, the Norwegian old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such an amazing feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their fire chief, “What are you going to do with massive reward?”

“Vell,” said Larsen, the 68-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve is gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his new employees.

“Yes, Sir.” the employee replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss continued. “After you left early yesterday to go to your Grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genies lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, “Nope … due to economic inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”

The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Wow, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but im not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for, a good mate.”

The Genie let out a long hard sigh and said, “Let me see that f*****g map!”