Queen Exiled to Italy!

Ousted by the Republican party after a closely fought referendum(51%) in which the Monarchy is declared an anachronism, the Queen and Prince Consort decide to live out their exile in Italy. The former UK is now known as New English Republican Dominions (NERD).

Follow their daily adventures as they come to terms with the complicated political and social mores of Italy while keeping in touch with events and personality back home.

The town of Bracciano was beseiged by paparazzi and one ex-English resident of the town had written to the Middle England Bible complaining that they would like their town back…. please Tom! But some residents were cashing in on the event,even renting out their balconies with a view of the castle for a mere $1,000 for the day! Tom of course was in full control – he had put a million dollar gagging order on the catering staff so that no details of the wedding feast at one of the most famous restaurants in Rome would be revealed. ”But who cares what they are going to eat?” protested the Queen. ”Well, I suppose a waiter could get a nice tidy sum for revealing the menu to a journalist and steal Tom’s thunder” mused the Press Secretary. “But he didn’t succeed in getting the airspace closed over Bracciano – the helicopter traffic is deafening”, he laughed. ”The Scientology wedding ceremony is rather interesting- he promises or acknowledges that ‘girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb and perhaps a cat!” exclaimed the Queen. ”And she promises or knows that ‘young men are free and may forget their promises” chimed in the Press Secretary. 

Prince Consort snorted “So, if Tom is unfaithful, she can beat him over the head with the pan, use the comb to get him out of her hair and console herself with the company of the cat!” Next morning the Press Secretary announced to no one in particular ”She’s absolutely furious!” ”Who?”the Queen asked puzzled ”The Mayor of Bracciano, the town where TomKat tied the knot” said the Press Secretary. ”Tomcat is a male cat” said PC with great emphasis. ”But that was not clarified in the Scientology wedding ceremony – ‘perhaps a cat’ – sex not specified” said the Queen. ”Anyway,why is the Mayor so upset?” ”First, she did not get an invite to the wedding and the Mayor of Rome did -so sour grapes there. Secondly , the town was besieged by paparazzi, traffic blocked and then TomKat did not even make an appearance or go on a walkabout- it could have really put Bracciano on the map and the residents might have got a little thrill- you know’Bracciano becomes a Hollywood Suburb’” said the Press Secretary. ”Instead, nobody appeared in the town – everybody arrived surrounded by bodyguards, portcullis up and all the town got to see were a few lousy fireworks and as it was a foggy evening, these were damp squibs. No flowers sent to the Mayor, no telegram of thanks” he continued. “And she was going to make them Honorary Citizens of Bracciano!” ”You know, I think the Mayor is right” the Queen said thoughtfully ” They should have done a walkabout – I would have done – I have always respected my subjects- I mean people in general” she finished lamely. 

The residents were pleased at least that when all the stars arrived, it was raining!”the Press Secretary laughed. ”At least Mrs Beckham’s hat was useful – she was wearing what looked like a flying saucer !”

A man and his friend were bow hunting elk in the Colorado mountains near Stoner Colorado. They rode their horse’s from early morning until late evening. The high mountain terrain was very rough with tree’s blown down and large boulders in the path. Their horse’s had to step very carefully or chance breaking a leg. With no sign of any elk the man told his friend that the elk must have all moved to the lower country. They decided to go down and try again the next day.

The next morning the man and his friend decided to hunt closer to the town of Stoner. They hunted most of the morning with no luck, the sky was clear and it was a beautiful day. As they got closer to the black top highway they saw a herd of cow elk. In the middle of the herd was the biggest bull elk you ever saw. The hunter got down off of his horse and carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the highway below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I know.” The hunter shrugged. “Yeah, well, I was married to her for 25 years.” 

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and asks the bartender how much? The bartender replies “no charge”.

A rabbi, a sheik and a priest all walk into a bar together holding hands singing “hari-krishna”.The bartender says to them, “what is this some kind of bad joke?”

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, How is this possible? The guy says I am the designated decoy.

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Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!”

“YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings
The anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. “Now that’s bravery!” exclaims the general.

“Ah, that’s nothing,” says the Admiral, “Seaman!” A seaman appears, “YES, SIR!!” “Take this weapon,” as he offers him an M14, “Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing ‘Anchors Aweigh.’ Salute each of us, and jump off.

“YES SIR!” replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

“Now that’s courage!” says the admiral.

“Courage, nothing’” snorts the Army general. “Get over here, private!”

“YES SIR!” replies the private.

“Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.”

“YES SIR!!” replies the private, and completes the task.

“Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!”

They all look to the Marine. “Private,” he says.

“YES SIR!”

“Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing ‘The Halls of Montezuma’, put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.”

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, “F**K YOU SIR!”

The general turns to the others and says; “Now THAT’S bravery!”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, ‘Your
husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

‘Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

‘Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

‘If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.’

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, ‘What did the doctor say?’

‘He said you’re going to die,’ she replied.

Love dress!!!!

A mother stopped by un-announced at her son’s house. She knocked
on the door, then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the
couch…..totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,’ the daughter-in- law answered.

‘But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.

‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in- law explained.

‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’

‘Mike loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained. ‘It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.’

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD,
laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came
home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?’ he asked.

‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered, sensually.

‘Needs ironing,’ he said. ‘What’s for dinner?

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car
when he spotted a  famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing
off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a
look at his car.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hello Doctor! Please come
over here for a minute.”
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, “So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts of the engine,  take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will
work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me
is doing basically the same work?”
The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic…..

.

.

.

.
.
.
.

“Try to do it when the engine is running”.

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A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
 

Dear Dad,
 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree?
 

Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.
 

Randy taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
 

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
 

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

 

At the bottom of the page were the letters “PTO”.
 
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
 

PS:
 
Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbour’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.
 

I love you!
 
Your loving daughter,
Rosie

The priest and the Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:

 

 1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his @#$.
 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the hell out of him.
 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say
he was stoned off his %$#
 10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this
and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
 12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks

for the grub, yeah God.
 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

 

Santa Singh, furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.
 
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.
 
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. Would you believe…………………………………..

 

 

Till this day, Santa has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!! !